Creepy Campy Robots

Recently we have started to get really paranoid about computers taking over. There is a long tradition in cinema of cautionary tales we can draw on to prepare for the future. Check here for tips on how to please, hide from or defy our AI overlords. Oh, and '80s alert – here are things you will see in these movies that existed in the '80s:

• cigarette vending machines,
• phone books with your name, address and phone number available for all
• pay phones, and
• time clocks & punch cards.

Chopping Mall 1986

This has some of the cliches that make B horror movies the best! Amongst the violence, gore, and carnage it screams '80s mall culture with big hair, bright clothes and inexplicable innocence.

Malfunction leads to mayhem

The Park Plaza Mall is rolling out new high tech security robots called the Protectors. They can stop thieves and no-goodnicks with many fun features such as tranquilizer darts and built-in lasers. When there is a mild storm the Protectors malfunction. After slaughtering the human security staff they begin their nightly patrol of the mall.

A bunch of kids who work at various stores are hanging out after hours in the furniture store. One of the guys runs back to his store to grab some cigarettes. He is the first of the kids to go. His girlfriend goes to look for him. A Protector shoots her exploding her head as the other kids look on. For many of us, this was our first exploding head movie scene.

A game of cat and mouse

The Protectors seal the mall, trapping the kids and beginning a game of cat and mouse. The kids use their insider knowledge of the mall to hide out and craft clever weapons in and around the different stores. The Protectors hunt them down and pick them off one by one in great cinematic ways that never include any actual chopping by the way, always telling them to “have a nice day.”

Overall entertaining

The special effects are fun with explosions, lasers and stabby grabby robots making the rounds. There are some fun and recognizable B movie faces – Dick Miller as the janitor, Mary Woronov as a mall scientist, Kelli Maroney as one of the girls and many more you might recognize. This is an early robot slasher with a decent plot that ages surprisingly well. I had lots of laughs at some of the implausible things, like a gun store located within the mall. The acting has all of that earnest not quite Oscar feel you get from a lot of B movies. Chopping Mall is a quick, easy watch you don’t take too personally since the robots were only malfunctioning.

Terminator 1984

Terminator is probably the most iconic killer robot movie ever made. Age has given this gem an unintentional campy edge. Almost everything about this movie overachieves its humble science fiction horror roots. James Cameron wrote and directed this as one of his earliest works. Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in the movie in one of his earliest roles. This turned out to be a winning combination for everyone.

Robots set to destroy

From the first moment in the opening credits this movie tells us what it is all about and there is a lot going on. In 2029 robots have risen up to destroy mankind, but we are informed on screen “the final battle will be fought in the present,” which was 1984. Next two men drop out of thin air at separate locations in late night Los Angeles. Both immediately begin to create chaos as they clothe and arm themselves and set out across the city to find Sarah Conner.

The next morning we meet sweet Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton). She is a regular young waitress residing with her cool roommate and just getting by. Her day deteriorates quickly from her perky entry into the diner to seeing her name on the news because Sarah Connors are being murdered all over LA. Sarah tries to get in touch with the police, but the other guys find her first at a dance club.

Come with me if you want to live

She narrowly escapes the ensuing shootout and reluctantly goes with Reese (Michael Biehn) after his immortal line “come with me if you want to live.” Reese explains he's a soldier from the future sent here to protect her from the other guy, who is in fact a cybernetic robot sent to kill her before she gives birth to a future resistance leader. She thinks he is completely crazy; but a huge guy who won't die is killing everyone and chasing her with guns so she doesn’t have a lot of choices.

They go on the run together and Sarah quickly and convincingly transforms into a more capable and determined version of herself as she and Reese inevitably fall for each other/trauma bond.  The Terminator relentlessly pursues them, spectacularly destroying everything in his path including a police station and ominously an '80s version of an automated factory. This is indicative of things to come, see sequels 2 through 6 and counting.

The special effects here are something else. The explosions are fantastic and plentiful. The sets were so well crafted that I only found out many were miniature models after a behind the scenes feature. I found the jerky puppet animation for the Terminator being a bonus because it looks kinda how you would expect a mechanical robot to move.

Special effects & great acting

Arnold is totally believable as the Terminator. He barely speaks, which feels spot on. Linda Hamilton is fun to watch as she goes from perky girl next door to protector and fugitive. No one does terrified like she does. I get goosebumps every time I see her trying to crawl away from the Terminator struggling to breathe because she is so scared! There are lots of other familiar faces like Lance Henriksen as a cop and a young Bill Paxton as an obnoxious punk.

If you have never seen Terminator, take the time! It is scary, surprisingly funny and unintentionally full everyday '80s life. Except for the time traveling, humanity destroying robots, we didn’t have those yet.