This year’s Summer Movie Season unofficially began with The Avengers, which came out May 5th. Here’s a sample of the rest of what movie theaters will offer this spring and summer. Some have not yet been rated by the MPAA.
May 11: Dark Shadows Rated PG-13
It’s based on a old daytime soap opera, but with Johnny Depp playing the lead and Tim Burton directing, Dark Shadows shouldn’t feel melodramatic.
May 18: Battleship Rated PG-13
Can a Hasbro board game translate into a sci-fi action flick? Heck if I know. I’m guessing “maybe.” I don’t remember any aliens in the board game, though.
May 25: Men in Black 3 Rated PG-13
Will Smith gives one last (okay, maybe last) performance as Jay the Earth-protecting alien hunter in Men in Black 3. The first one was very good. The second, not quite as good. However, Danny Elfman is back to write the music score and that should help. Although, according to imdb.com, Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga make appearances in the film. Hmmm.
June 1: Snow White and the Huntsman Rated PG-13
The movie’s title says “Snow White,” but Kristen Stewart looks more like she’s ready to hunt orcs in Middle-Earth than hiding out with dwarfs in the woods. I’m guessing this warrior princess won’t be making an gooseberry pies.
June 8: Prometheus Not yet rated.
Rumors hinted that Prometheus would be a prequel to Ridley Scott’s 1979 hit Alien. But recent buzz indicates that while Prometheus will be tied to Alien and Aliens, it will not be a prequel. So no aliens with acid for blood then?
June 22: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Not yet rated
Political campaigns are fraught with outlandish promises, but Obama and Romney need not vow to rid our nation of vampires because Lincoln already took care of them. Oh well, there’s always the Zombie War to look forward to. And speaking of zombies and broken promises, where’s that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies movie?
June 29: G.I. Joe: Retaliation Not yet rated
Weapons, explosions and predictably witty one-liners. Cheer for the good guys! They’ll be the ones who are impervious to bullets.
July 3: The Amazing Spider-Man Not yet rated
This Tobey-less Spider-Man stars Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield, Rhys Ifans as The Lizard, and Stan Lee as Stan the Librarian. Why would Spider-Man need a librarian? The sequel is already scheduled for 2014.
July 20: The Dark Knight Rises Rated PG-13, somehow
This latest Batman film is set several years after The Dark Knight. Gotham is peaceful and Batman has been in hiding, but he’s out of shape and not ready to face Bane, Gotham’s new threat. Some speculate that the caped crusader may even die in this one. If Batman does die, you may go through these stages after seeing the movie:
1. No way! Batman didn’t die- he’s Batman!
2. They killied Batman? Those jerks! How dare they?
3. Okay. I promise to buy the Ultra-Platinium-Super-Duper-7-Disc-Collector’s-Edition-Blu-Ray-Pack if you bring Batman back to life!
4.(Sniff) I can’t believe he died. I’ll never watch another movie!
5. Oh well. They’ll reboot the franchise again in few years, anyway.
August 8: Total Recall not yet rated
One of several sucessful films based on the writings of Philip K. Dick like The Minority Report, The Adjustment Bureau and Blade Runner, this remake of its 1990 predecessor promises action and strong sci-fi elements. Colin Farrell replaces Arnold Shwarzenegger as a factory worker who thinks he’s a spy. Don’t we all?
Sources: imdb.com and Entertainment Weekly, issue #1203/1204, April 20/27 2012.